Something I sadly hear occasionally from my patients is that they don’t feel truly listened to by their doctor. My suspicion is that it’s not necessarily the personality of the provider to blame for this but rather the current medical culture in general. When I was studying pre-medicine in college, observing, and considering applying to medical school, I noticed how there often wasn’t a sufficient amount of time dedicated to the office visit. The provider is under pressure to keep on time in order to see a certain number of patients who are needing care during the day. It seems to be a true art for the doctor to listen effectively and efficiently in an appropriate amount of time. It’s a talented Western medical provider who makes their patient feel listened to as well as accurately treats the condition, within such time limits. I knew this would be too hard for me and chose to pursue Chinese medicine, as the different perspective on medical care encourages the relationship with the patient itself as part of the diagnostic and treatment process. I was drawn to the hands-on connection more so than the incredible technological advancements in modern medicine, though I greatly value both perspectives as a referring provider and as a patient myself.
We Want to Be Heard
What we often want most as a patient is to be heard, understood, and validated for what we are experiencing. On top of this, we want to be given an explanation for what is happening and a clear treatment plan to resolve the issue. There may be quite a history to lay out in order to help your provider understand what led to the symptoms. And this may instigate questioning or testing to differentiate what is going on in the body. Amidst this and above all, we want to feel cared for by the provider in front of us. We are talking about health “care” here. Truly listening with a sense of presence between practitioner and patient is where the caring comes in. Even with half of our faces covered these days, we can look into each other’s eyes and feel a caring connection.
Leaving medical care for a moment, the truth is that listening is not necessarily an easy task for most of us. I wonder if most of us feel truly listened to by our spouses, our siblings, our parents, and our co-workers. Well, we do have to share our real selves to potentially be truly listened to, which also doesn’t necessarily come readily. And it sure helps if we can keep judgment out of the interaction. This is fresh on my mind because a friend recently shared the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, which teaches simple but powerful skills in listening. I’d recommend this one to anyone interested in this subject. Nonviolent Communication is well known as a form of mediation, so I can imagine this book being old news to some of you.
Set Yourself Aside to Listen
Compassionate listening is more important now than ever in our lifetime. We are weary as we’ve been enduring this pandemic, living with more fear and stress. When things get stressful, more of our colors may show. This may be true in our marriages or friendships, and also within a community or a country. We’re seeing the natural differences amongst us and it seems to me that we’re struggling to listen to each other. The challenge is to set aside yourself for a moment, including your perspective and even your fear, while listening to that other person. You won’t lose yourself or your life’s experience, as you’ll be present to truly listen. What is interesting, that the book I mentioned points out, is what we’re listening for. See if you can listen to the feelings and what the person is needing. This could be underneath the content of the conversation. They may be feeling fearful and they may be needing a sense of security. Who knows, but pay attention. Ask a question to get more clear rather than to express a judgment. You can express what they’re feeling and need back to them to see if you understand. They’ll feel heard.
Whether we’re in the treatment room or the office or the kitchen, we can always practice listening to the person in front of us with more presence. And it really does take practice to let ourselves get out of the way when listening. But it is quite freeing. And even if there is limited time, there can be presented. Our loved ones, the people around us, and humanity as a whole need this attention right now.