This past week I dropped my eldest child off at college for her first year. Luckily she’s just down the road in Burlington, Vermont, making it a bit less painful for me. I’m feeling for those parents sending their loved ones to far-off states where they can’t visit or help them out so easily. I don’t plan to write about attachment here but more about the importance of our relationships and having a healthy connection to others. I’m surely not an expert in relationships or psychology, but I have learned a few things based on my personal and professional experience. And I’m sure there are readers here who can teach us further what a healthy relationship is like. As I’ve been doing these past few days, you may reflect on that connection you feel with your child, your parent, grandparent, sibling, spouse, friend, or co-worker.
Your Health and Relationships
You may have noticed that I do sometimes repeat topics here, ones that seem again relevant, or maybe I’ve learned more over time that I hope are helpful to others. I’ve alluded to the Harvard study in the past that I find significant. This is one that began in 1938, one of the longest continuous studies of adult development in the world. The researchers back then began tracking 268 of the school’s sophomores, who have been observed since as their lives have progressed. I imagine there are now only a few of these originals still living. (Interestingly, one of those recruits was JFK.) Without going into the details of this study over these many years, what the generations of researchers have learned is that relationships are a key to healthy aging. It is described that loneliness can lead to a similar decline in health that we’ve learned, for example, smoking and alcohol abuse can lead to.
We have come to focus a lot of attention in health care on numbers. We have numbers of white blood cells, types of cholesterol, systolic and diastolic blood pressure, thyroid hormones, and many other numbers of very small things in our bodies. These numbers are clues for your providers to see if your body is on track or not. But the quality of your various relationships, not just your marriage (though this is of primary importance), should also have attention as we’ve come to learn that the quality of relationship also clearly influences the quality of health. The research shows that people that create healthy relationships end up eating healthier, drinking less alcohol, and remaining active and engaged. This is beneficial to both their physical and mental aging processes.
Stress and Honest Communication
In my practice, I often see that physical symptoms are coming from stress, acute or chronic. Sometimes this is rooted in finances and not having enough, but more often I listen to people talk about the struggle with a family member or co-worker. If we are to address the root of the physical symptom, it may come down to somehow improving the relationship with this person. I’m learning that being honest with how you may be feeling is often the best that can be done to communicate and actually see something change. Can you be real with the other person, with authenticity, transparency, and honesty, while sharing what is true for you? Do you know what it feels like to look them in the eye, and share the real feeling, whether painful, scary, or with gratitude? A healthy relationship must be based on these things. This can surely be a work in progress. Honest communication to improve a relationship is a noble and worthwhile commitment that may ultimately benefit your physical health and well-being.
Keep the Emotions Moving
For me, not having my daughter at home now brings up some feelings. I’m sure many of you can relate. Sharing with my loved ones some of these, the sadness, excitement, pride, and fear, at an appropriate time would deepen the relationships I have with them. This may be with my wife, my brother, a friend, my mother, or my daughter herself. The strategy of an acupuncturist is often to keep the circulation in the body moving effectively in order to maintain proper health. This means the blood and its contents, including the various nutrients for the cells, hormones, immune factors, neurotransmitters, etc. but it also means keeping our emotions moving. For the sake of your body, I hope you can further strengthen or even repair your relationships with honesty and openness.